What Breed of Conservative Are You?

From the book How to Win a Fight with a Liberal

  1. Which bumper sticker would you most likely put on your car?
    1. If You’re Gonna Burn Our Flag, Wrap Yourself In It First
    2. Honk If I’m Paying Your Mortgage
    3. I’ll Keep My Guns, Freedom, And Money. You Can Keep The “Change.”
    4. In Case Of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned
    5. Another Former Fetus For Life
    6. I’d Rather Be Waterboarding

  2. If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they would be most appalled by which of the following?
    1. President Obama’s inexplicable need to bow to every world leader
    2. Democrats’ failure to see that the problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money
    3. That a Kenyan-born Muslim stole a presidential election
    4. The hijacking of our culture by Hollywood perverts
    5. Reality TV
    6. The blame-America-first crowd that doesn’t know how to wage war on exploding underpants

  3. An asteroid is headed for Earth. You have a seat on the last shuttle off the planet. If you could bring only one book with which to build a future civilization, what would it be?
    1. Patriots and Pinheads, by Bill O’Reilly
    2. The Wealth of Nations, by Adam Smith
    3. Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand
    4. The Bible
    5. Going Rogue, by Sarah Palin
    6. The Art of War, by Sun Tzu

  4. A second civil war has just broken out in America. Who is to blame?
    1. Barack Obama—for issuing an executive order to outlaw handguns and raise taxes on Coors Light
    2. Tax-and-spend liberals—for taking the “free” out of the free market and the “capital” out of capitalism
    3. Liberal socialists—for attempting to create a government of, by, and for gay Marxist Muslim illegal immigrants
    4. Bible-bashing secularists—for trying to ban God and for provoking His wrath
    5. Planned Parenthood proponents—for encouraging our young people to fornicate like rabbits on Ecstasy, all in the name of so-called “public health”
    6. Liberal terrorist appeasers—for letting America’s guard down and planning to respond to the next terror attack with a strongly worded letter

  5. If you could time-travel back to any historical event and bring one thing with you, what would you choose?
    1. The day of Obama’s birth in Kenya—with a video camera
    2. The beginning of the 1990s bull market—with today’s stock quotes
    3. Ronald Reagan’s inauguration—with a cloning device
    4. The day Roe vs. Wade was decided—with Chief Justice John Roberts
    5. The Palin/Bachmann inauguration—with confetti
    6. September 10, 2001—with a no-fly list

  6. If you were a candidate for political office, what would your theme song be?
    1. “Made in America,” by Toby Keith
    2. “Money (That’s What I Want),” by The Beatles
    3. “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” by The Who
    4. “Spirit in the Sky,” by Norman Greenbaum
    5. “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That),” by Meat Loaf
    6. “America, F**k Yeah”—theme song from Team America: World Police

  7. You have a hot date with Ann Coulter, and she asks you to bring over dinner and a movie. What do you bring?
    1. Cheeseburgers, Freedom Fries, and Red Dawn with Patrick Swayze
    2. Filet mignon, champagne, and Wall Street with Michael Douglas
    3. Freshly hunted venison, Budweiser, and Forrest Gump with Tom Hanks
    4. Fish, wine, and The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston
    5. Chicken-fried steak, eggs, and The Undefeated with Sarah Palin
    6. U.S. military MREs, sodium pentothal, and 300
  8. What region of the country would you most like to see kicked out of the Union?
    1. The Northeast—home to America-blaming apologists and ivory-tower-dwelling elitists
    2. Inner cities—home to deadbeat crackheads and social welfare parasites
    3. Washington, D.C.—home to incompetent crooks and liars who have usurped power from the people
    4. The Left Coast—home to religion-bashing, tree-hugging sodomites and sinners
    5. Hollywood—home to culture-perverting, values-defiling celebricrats
    6. All the blue states—home to spineless, sushi-eating, terrorist-coddling, freedom-hating socialists who’d be happier living in France
  9. If you could issue an executive order, which of the following would you most like to see happen?
    1. Ban all automated phone systems that make you push “1” for English
    2. Ban government bailouts and Marxist takeovers of major corporations
    3. Require all presidential candidates to produce a valid birth certificate proving they are natural-born citizens
    4. Require all government buildings to display the Ten Commandments, and have all government officials follow them
    5. Ban marriage between any same-sex persons, places, or things
    6. Make it legal to detain anyone with a Muslim-sounding name and strip-search them for underwear bombs before boarding
      any plane, including Air Force One"
  10. If you could chisel any Americans, living or dead, onto Mt. Rushmore, who would you choose?
    1. Dale Earnhardt, Johnny Cash, Chuck Norris, and Hank Williams Jr.
    2. Exxon Mobil, Goldman Sachs, Halliburton, and Koch Industries (corporations are people too!)
    3. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and Glenn Beck
    4. Revs. James Dobson, Rick Warren, Joel Osteen, and Carrie Prejean
    5. Mike Huckabee, Michele Bachmann, Bill Bennett, and Phyllis Schlafly
    6. Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, and Jack Bauer


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Revised & Updated for the 2012 Election!